


From Russia With Love

by hitthehospital



Category: Politics - Fandom
Genre: Dear trump or Putin if you find this don't assassinate me, I swear, I'm Sorry, M/M, this in no way reflects me as a person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-24 07:37:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9711404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hitthehospital/pseuds/hitthehospital
Summary: One was a dictator who wasn't elected by the majority of the population and the other was a man infamous for his homophobic laws.But when a bear hunting trip goes disastrously wrong, the two men discover something that might just turn their worlds upside down.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [highlytrainedfangirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/highlytrainedfangirl/gifts).



> Warning: this is the worst thing I've ever written (and that's saying something)

President Vladimir Putin woke and sat bolt up right in his bed. His mouth pulled tight at the corners (as close to a smile he could manage), for today President Trump was coming.  
Vlad walked over to his en suite bathroom, passing his giant stuffed bear (no - a literal bear) and many taxidermy animal heads. As he brushed his teeth, he admired his flawless, silicon skin in the bathroom mirror. He didn't know why, but he was particularly self conscious today.  
The President dressed into his perfect suit. He loved how it made his mannequin-esque appearance seem even more unnerving. Besides, it was nice to wear some clothes after his manly man sleep where he was so masculine he slept butt naked.  
President Trump took a very early flight from Washington, but Vladmister wanted to meet him at the airport. It was so early in fact that Putin almost didn't finish his manly breakfast of a whole deer.  
The cold air hit Vlad's face as the man stepped off the jet. The frosty wind chilled Vlad's bones and almost knocked the rat nest off the other man's head. The steps clanked as he walked down - each clunk closer to being near Vlad.  
Donald looked up.  
There he was.  
Just the sight of his glassy eyes warmed the Russian's heart. Vlad walks forward to greet him. He clutched Trump's hand in his, the tiny orange spork feeling like the little spoon to Vlad's big spoon.  
"Mr Trump," Vlad said in a husky Russian accent.  
"Ah, President Putin." Trump droned. Oh, how Vlad loved that voice.  
"I have some exciting activities planned for today before the meeting tomorrow."  
"Oh goodie."  
The two men let go of each other's hands. Vlad's soul felt empty.  
The day commenced with the beloved activities of both: advocating torture, followed by hacking emails, physically hacking gays, networking with hate groups, and a crash course on censorship.  
The final activity was a sport Putin loved. Bear hunting.  
Putin chose bear hunting for many reasons - yes, he loved the sport - but it was also the only chance he would get to see Donald's smoking body.  
The two men ride through the Russian woods and mountains, manly as could be. Putin's chest was as silicon as his face, and reflected the weak morning sun in dazzling rays. Vlad looked over at Donald. He couldn't keep his eyes of him. The way his boy cheeto bod glimmered - like Edward Cullen, but with more chest hair - slick with sweat. Vlad shivered. How could he possibly forget that magnificent sight? Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. He rode faster, trying to out run his gay thoughts.  
Birds fluttered down into the wattsit's nest hair and Putin was reminded of that beautiful song. He started to sing it softly.  
"Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?" He gazed at Trump, a private thing. Don looked up. Vlad was caught by surprise and he quickly diverted his gaze. He held it fixed on the track ahead.  
Until...  
"Just like me they want to be close to you..."  
Vlad looked up after hearing that sweet nasally melody from his counter part. The two locked gazes for what felt like an eternity.  
Suddenly, a bear crashed through the underbrush, knocking Don off his horse.  
Vlad's horse whinnied and bolted, sending Vlad tumbling to the floor.  
He looked over and saw his tangerine man on the ground, the fuckton of fur growling over him.  
Vlad felt a surge of adrenaline in his bones (although it might have been the steroids he'd taken earlier for performance enhancement). He swooped down to Trump, sucker punched the bear in the face (he's a manly man after all), and hoisted the smouldering carrotty man into his arms - like the little princess that Vlad knew he was.  
The Russian ran and ran, blood buzzing with adrenaline (*cough* steroids). Trump's arms were looped around Vlad's neck. This would have been perfect if not it weren't for the bear. It was gaining fast. They needed to hide.  
And there it was.  
The cave was only 20 meters away - a small opening under a boulder hidden by shrubbery.  
10 meters.  
5 meters.  
Vlad fell to the floor, skidding like John McClane through the hole. It was a close shave - Trump nearly lost his toupee.  
The neon orange and the plastic man landed in the cave with a thump - followed by a snarl as the bear tried to enter the cave (with no avail).  
Trump looked at Putin, his icy eyes softening. "You saved my life."  
"Of - of course." Vlad's voice was raised slightly in confusion.  
"You would do that for me?"  
Vlad smiled sadly. "I hacked those emails for you."  
Trump thought - his face creasing with pain as it was an activity he didn't much engage in. "If - if you were a woman I'd defiantly date you."  
Vlad loved the way he sounded like his lips were always puckered when he talked. But this time, the satsuma man's lips were!  
The Russian's nonexistent eyebrows creased for a moment. And the realisation dawned on him. "All those unrecorded phone calls from the White House - all that needless flirting - I thought it would never amount to anything."  
"Well - yeah. It. Just. Did." Donald punctuated each word with his tiny baby fists. "I love you, Vladdy." He leant in half way.  
Vlad closed the gap. "I love you too, Daddy."  
Trump chuckled. "Hey! Only Russian prostitutes can say that!"  
Vlad smiled. "I love you."  
And they kissed, hot saliva filled kisses that were so gross the bear ran away.  
Vlad pulleda away. "But I'm 100% straight, okay?"  
"Me too... Maybe no homo will be our always." Trump replied.  
Vlad grinned. "No homo?"  
"No homo."

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry


End file.
